Day 157 of 192

My Grandma knows I like butterflies. I like them because they remind that sometimes in order to make your transformation into to something beautiful, you have to go through a series of darkness. My Grandma gave me a mat for the shower that is supposed to prevent slips and falls. I don’t need to worry about that right now. I don’t know, but I have always found it to be a hassle moving around when cleaning the tub. That’s just me, though.

My cousin also likes butterflies, so I am going to offer this to her, and if she doesn’t like, I’m going to give it to my mom.

Daily Reading

*Note I’m only revealing my own identity and no one else’s.

Today’s reading from my Al-Anon book, One Day At A Time (which offers a reading for everyday of the year) to remind you of the Al-Anon philosophy and slogans.

For anyone who doesn’t know what Al-Anon is, it is a fellowship for those who have lived or live with active alcoholism and/or addiction (the two often go hand in hand). There are meetings where the person who has been affected by someone’s addiction and or alcoholism can go to get the support from other people who have lived or live with this. And together we can give each other hope and optimism that things will get better.

Let go of your negativity that weighs you down so your butterfly wings can take you far.

But today’s reading really relates to what I am dealing with…

“When our problems enclose us and saturates our thoughts, we find ourselves in an isolation that gives us an acute sense of loneliness. We may confide in friends, but underneath we feel nobody understands what we are going through.

Dwelling on our troubles only shuts out a world that is waiting to be enjoyed. Nothing has real power to deprive us of the delights to be found in many daily experiences – even a routine household task, well done. For those of us who are fortunate enough to have young lives in our care, we can forget our troubles in devoting loving attention to them and their development. Observing our children is like reading a fascinating and often amusing book!

Today’s Reminder

I may have big troubles but I can, if I will, make them less painful by turning my thoughts to happier things. I will not isolate myself in my problems. I will observe and enjoy what is good and pleasant in the world around me.

‘Let me not deprive myself of the many little joys that are mine for the taking.'”

-One Day At A Time

The Present

Today I finally began reading Eckhart Tolle’s Power of Now. I bought that book for myself on my birthday (June 3rd).

I have become inspired with what I was reading so I would love to share you with what I learn from this book and other readings. Every Friday I will publish a quote from Eckhart Tolle and a snippet about what that quote means to me. I shall call it Eckhart Tolle Fridays.

I would strongly encourage anyone to read his books.

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”

I only have this moment – embrace it. Like a butterfly it can no longer turn back into a caterpillar it is meant to spread its wings and soar above the ground. It can fly more freely when it lets go of the past, doubts and worries. And why should I waste my energy worrying about the uncertainty of the future? It hasn’t happened yet. I am cutting ropes from the past and the future. There’s no need to wander. I am free.

I am living in the now.

Stay present. Let everything else go.

Relax…

I often find myself very stressed out all the time. Event the littlest things stress me.

I try to calm myself down by not overreacting but it can be difficult. First things first, I shall never doubt myself. I am capable of accomplishing anything. I just need to believe in myself. I should learn to accept that everything that happens to me, happens because I am capable of achieving it to my fullest potential.

“Never settle for being a caterpillar when you have butterfly potential.” >i<

Do It Yourself

Do it yourself. Yes, it is nice to have people help you and guide you along the way but it’s better if you do it yourself.

The reason I say this is because you learn and grow so much. You think to yourself you did a task on your own without the guidance of others. You grow confidence to keep being independent and doing things for yourself.

If you don’t succeed at your first attempt then ask someone for help. And learn from what they taught you. So either way if you do and don’t succeed you learn something.

Keep on trying because your butterfly will always be there and won’t let you hit the ground.

Seeing Signs

Everything happens for a reason.

Everything is a reminder of hope, strength and love. If you allow yourself to stay present you would notice what the universe would like you to see.

Today I was blessed to not just see one yellow butterfly but three, it reminded me of my metamorphosis that I am undergoing to become a butterfly. It reminds me that even during the darkest of times something beautiful can happen when I let go of the past.

I enjoy when the universe reminds me of how strong I am.

Our Fates Are Forever Intertwined

Whilst I was jogging and climbing the stairs at a local trail I looked down and I saw three yellow butterflies. It was very poetic. Well at least to me it was. I first saw one butterfly following another. The first one didn’t wait to be sought instead it flew further away. But then the leader went back to the follower. But then the follower left. The third butterfly was caught in the middle of it all. The butterflies ended up going their separate ways.

This is poetic because this is how I would describe my friendship which “died” a few months ago.I would leave the friendship but then come back and then he would leave and it was this dysfunctional circle of of us leaving. It was reminding that it’s best to let go and move on.

21 Things You Might Not Know About Me…

In honour of my 21st post and my 21st birthday I decided to write a post about 21 things that displays myself in a manner that you might not know about me.

1. I have an older sister. She is absolutely amazing. I would be lost without her. She means the world to me.

2. I am a crafty kind of girl. I enjoy using my creativity to add some zest to my life. I make gifts for other people and for their different occasions like birthdays, mothers’ day and fathers’ day or gifts just because.

3. I love to cook. I can make anything from pasta to stir-frys and anything in between.

4. I am a book worm. I enjoy reading a book. I love cuddling under my duvet with a book and a cup of tea. It’s even more enjoyable when there’s a thunderstorm.

5. I have a morning and an evening routine. My morning consists of finding myself and starting my day off right. I eat a healthy breakfast with my morning tea. I read my daily readings and read something inspirational. Then I do my stretches and meditate for a few minutes. Every other day I do the stairs then shower. My evening routine consists of doing a quick tidying and then brewing a cup of sleepytime tea whilst writing my journal about my events and emotions throughout the day.

6. I am an inspirational person. I help other people find inspiration in their lives. I bring a quote of the day to my work. I inspire other people to be their better self and to create healthy habits.

7. I have many birthday traditions. Every year on my birthday I get someone to make me pancakes for breakfast. I go to my grandma’s for dinner and she always make me a cake. Now I’m adding these two things; going to my favourite book store and transferring money into my saving account.

8. I have a memory box. Throughout the year I add all of these positive things and memories to this box which I open the box on New Year’s Eve and reflect on my year.

9. Giraffes are my favourite animal. I love everything about them from their spots to their long necks.

10. I admire butterflies.They remind me of strength to let go of the past, darkness allows them to transform themselves into something beautiful. This allows me to think that no matter what happens something good is around the bend.

11. Yellow. My favourite colour is yellow. I love that it is a positive colour and it is quite bright.

12. My favourite flower are daisies. 🙂 I find them very beautiful.

13. My travelling wish. My dream vacation (possible Honeymoon idea) is to travel to Africa to attend a safari adventure. I would love to feed giraffes. There’s a hotel in Africa which is the only hotel in the world to offer this luxury of feeding giraffes breakfast. I have to start saving up!

14. I played baseball. I was on many baseball teams. I enjoyed every moment of it.

15. Pittsburgh Penguins are my favourite hockey team. I love Sidney Crosby. He’s amazing.

16. I love sewing. I have a sewing machine but I still sew by hand. I enjoy making pillows – well I buy the stuffing of a pillow and then sew two pieces of fabric together over the actual pillow. I love this.

17. I have several of nicknames. The list includes… Lil J, Giraffe Girl and the Girl in the Headband. Lil J comes from Gossip Girl – one of my favourite TV show. Although I would say that I’m a nicer person than her character.

18. My drink of choice is tea. Earl Grey is my absolute favourite!

19. I file away my cards. Every time I receive a card (birthday, Christmas, Get Well, etc.,) I file it away and whenever I feel sad I read about all of the awesome things people have written about me.

20. Less is more. I love the simple things in life. “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”

21. I love lists. I make lists for everything – future goals, to-do lists, grocery list, you name it!

Well, I hope you enjoyed my list. 🙂

The End of My Second Regeneration

Today is my 21st birthday! I’ve read that it takes your body seven years to reproduce every cell in the body so it’s almost like every seven years you become a new person.

Throughout the past seven years I have learned many things about life and about myself. I had to be strong because I had faced several defeats in life. I lost a lot. I had to learn to pick up the pieces for a lot of different situations.

Throughout the past seven years I had to face many challenges; transitioning to high school – which at first I thought was really scary, my parent’s separation, moving out of my childhood house into a smaller house with my ma.

I felt abandoned by many, I didn’t like to be close with people because I was always thinking of when this person would leave me like the other people have. But they left because I came across as someone who was too needy. I was only viewed like this because I overly cared about them and didn’t want to deal with the emotions of having someone else leave.

It hurts me looking back and viewing how much people used to care about me and then now I mean absolutely nothing to them. It meant something that our paths intertwined with one another. And just because our paths no longer intersect with one another it doesn’t mean it won’t again in the future.

I had a lot of trust issues where I didn’t believe people but then I would become overly trusting and believing in lies that I knew weren’t true. In fear of being alone. I became friends with people who would hurt me. I feared of cross-talk. I know that one of the most harmful weapons in the world is the tongue. I always see the good beyond the doubt in others. Whenever someone abandoned me I would vow to never get too close to people. Instead I ensured myself that this time I would not allow myself to have my feelings used, or my trust to get taken advantage of.

I felt alone throughout that. I felt that I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t a good enough sister, daughter, friend, cousin, every title I am. I was allowing myself to be defined by every mistake I made.

I started learning healthy boundaries with other people especially since I lacked healthy boundaries. It took me a long time to realize the friendships I was engaging myself in were unhealthy.

There were times where I didn’t like myself because I thought not a lot of people did. I was my worst critic. I always brought myself down with thinking all of these negative thoughts about myself.

I had to say good bye to many things and people I love. I had to say good bye to my childhood house that I lived in there for 16 years. That was heartbreaking. I never wanted to say goodbye to people or to things, I just kept holding onto things that were slowly harming me.

I used to play victim to receive sympathy for others. I always sought attention from others. I tried to control other people to get the outcomes I want. I sought perfection and tried to find it and always strive to ensure perfection wherever I went.

Now, I’m learning to accept things as they and not as how I want them to be. I am learning self-love and learning how to love myself again. Because if I don’t love myself for who I am, who will?

I’ve been learning to learn go and learn that everything is only temporary so enjoy it whilst it lasts. Nothing good can last forever and no pain can last forever. Enjoy the journey.

I’m identifying what a healthy relationship/friendship looks like. I am learning to trust myself. I take care of myself to ensure a healthy lifestyle. Despite that my best friend ended our 7.5 year friendship I have many other friends who genuinely care about me.

I try my best to stay in the present. I only look back unless looking back will improve my well-being in the present. I only look in the future if I am making plans.

I try my best to succeed in everything I do. If I fail, it’s okay. What’s important is how far I bounce back after falling. My butterfly wings might be fragile at times but when I let go off something my wings will always take me to where I need to go.

My second regeneration dealt with a lot of loss and sadness. It is with my sadness that I have transformed myself into finding my inner strength. I am accepting that everything happens for a reason even though I may not be wise enough to see it.

I am enjoying our new house. I had to let go of my past and let go of my processions that I carried with me throughout the years.I feel more organized about myself.

It took me a while to accept this journey but it helped me find myself. I know that everyday I am getting closer to happiness. I just got to keep going and never give up.

I am grateful for everyone that has crossed my path even if they aren’t apart of this journey. I try my best to keep your shrine alive in my heart no matter how much I allowed you to hurt me.

“Fall down seven times, stand up eight.”

The Past Is Just A Shadow

Breathe.

The past is gone.

Accept it.

Let it go.

Move on.

No need to attach yourself to it.

Everything that happened to you

is meant to happen.

Things may not go “your’ way

but it is a gift.

You are given something because you can handle it.

Believe in the journey.

Believe in yourself.

The good times gives you happiness,

the bad times gives you strength.

The sun will always rise.

There were will be times where

the waves will crash upon the shore

but it will calm.

No need to worry.

Life isn’t meant to be lived backwards.

Stay present.

Butterflies don’t go back to being caterpillars.

They spread their wings and fly.

Let go of all of your worries,

negativity, doubts and self-pity.

Don’t allow yourself to sit in despair.

Don’t let the past haunt you.

Free yourself.

No matter how many times the past creeps up

Relax, remember,

the past is just a shadow.