Today is my 21st birthday! I’ve read that it takes your body seven years to reproduce every cell in the body so it’s almost like every seven years you become a new person.
Throughout the past seven years I have learned many things about life and about myself. I had to be strong because I had faced several defeats in life. I lost a lot. I had to learn to pick up the pieces for a lot of different situations.
Throughout the past seven years I had to face many challenges; transitioning to high school – which at first I thought was really scary, my parent’s separation, moving out of my childhood house into a smaller house with my ma.
I felt abandoned by many, I didn’t like to be close with people because I was always thinking of when this person would leave me like the other people have. But they left because I came across as someone who was too needy. I was only viewed like this because I overly cared about them and didn’t want to deal with the emotions of having someone else leave.
It hurts me looking back and viewing how much people used to care about me and then now I mean absolutely nothing to them. It meant something that our paths intertwined with one another. And just because our paths no longer intersect with one another it doesn’t mean it won’t again in the future.
I had a lot of trust issues where I didn’t believe people but then I would become overly trusting and believing in lies that I knew weren’t true. In fear of being alone. I became friends with people who would hurt me. I feared of cross-talk. I know that one of the most harmful weapons in the world is the tongue. I always see the good beyond the doubt in others. Whenever someone abandoned me I would vow to never get too close to people. Instead I ensured myself that this time I would not allow myself to have my feelings used, or my trust to get taken advantage of.
I felt alone throughout that. I felt that I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t a good enough sister, daughter, friend, cousin, every title I am. I was allowing myself to be defined by every mistake I made.
I started learning healthy boundaries with other people especially since I lacked healthy boundaries. It took me a long time to realize the friendships I was engaging myself in were unhealthy.
There were times where I didn’t like myself because I thought not a lot of people did. I was my worst critic. I always brought myself down with thinking all of these negative thoughts about myself.
I had to say good bye to many things and people I love. I had to say good bye to my childhood house that I lived in there for 16 years. That was heartbreaking. I never wanted to say goodbye to people or to things, I just kept holding onto things that were slowly harming me.
I used to play victim to receive sympathy for others. I always sought attention from others. I tried to control other people to get the outcomes I want. I sought perfection and tried to find it and always strive to ensure perfection wherever I went.
Now, I’m learning to accept things as they and not as how I want them to be. I am learning self-love and learning how to love myself again. Because if I don’t love myself for who I am, who will?
I’ve been learning to learn go and learn that everything is only temporary so enjoy it whilst it lasts. Nothing good can last forever and no pain can last forever. Enjoy the journey.
I’m identifying what a healthy relationship/friendship looks like. I am learning to trust myself. I take care of myself to ensure a healthy lifestyle. Despite that my best friend ended our 7.5 year friendship I have many other friends who genuinely care about me.
I try my best to stay in the present. I only look back unless looking back will improve my well-being in the present. I only look in the future if I am making plans.
I try my best to succeed in everything I do. If I fail, it’s okay. What’s important is how far I bounce back after falling. My butterfly wings might be fragile at times but when I let go off something my wings will always take me to where I need to go.
My second regeneration dealt with a lot of loss and sadness. It is with my sadness that I have transformed myself into finding my inner strength. I am accepting that everything happens for a reason even though I may not be wise enough to see it.
I am enjoying our new house. I had to let go of my past and let go of my processions that I carried with me throughout the years.I feel more organized about myself.
It took me a while to accept this journey but it helped me find myself. I know that everyday I am getting closer to happiness. I just got to keep going and never give up.
I am grateful for everyone that has crossed my path even if they aren’t apart of this journey. I try my best to keep your shrine alive in my heart no matter how much I allowed you to hurt me.
“Fall down seven times, stand up eight.”